Right... okay... oops. It's been over a year since I last posted. That's (obviously) all on me. Last year's Biggest Loser competition was very "less than" for me and I lost a bit of my drive for this blog, among other things. I gained a few pounds with last year's competition. I can't remember how much, but I know it was not just a couple pounds.

That was then, and this... this is now. Today is Monday December 16th, 2013. Second (or first, depending on how you count) day of the third week of the last month of the year. The final weigh-in for this year's Biggest Loser competition is this Wednesday. I know I have not won the competition. I would have been alright with that if I had even met my personal goal... which I did not. If I can manage to be down a couple pounds at Wednesday's weigh in, I will have gotten half way to my personal goal.

I know, I know. Some of you think that I should be celebrating. 15 pounds is nothing to turn your nose up at. I get that, I truly do. But I'm more upset with the fact that I set a goal for myself and I didn't do everything I possibly could to meet that goal...

Be that as it may, here's how I'm moving forward: I am hitting Ctrl+Alt+Del and selecting restart! I have a long-term goal of being 135-145 pounds by August 14th, 2014 (My 10th wedding anniversary). It is slightly lofty, but very achievable... IF I STICK TO MY GUNS!

I have four 30-day exercise challenges I am restarting this evening. I will go to the gym at least 5 times a week - or at the very least, I will run up and down the stairs of my apartment complex for 30 minutes. I will be sure to drink at least three cups of green tea a day. I will watch my portions and make sure that at every opportunity I am choosing the low-to-no carb option(s). I will not drink soda - diet or otherwise - or eat (too many) sweets.

I will also remember that I am human. I will fall down. I will make mistakes. BUT: I will get right back up again! Besides: You can't make mistakes if you're not even trying in the first place.

I can do this. I will do this.

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Hello Out There!

Hello out there in cyberland!

It's been a few weeks since my last post, and I apologize for that. It's been a little crazy around here the past few weeks with the start of the Biggest Loser competition at my work, and with my monkeys starting 1st Grade and Kindergarten last week! EEP! I finally have a moment to write while I wait for the fresh-cut Parmesan fries to cook before putting in the crispy chicken fingers for dinner. :)

So, the initial weigh-in for the Biggest Loser competition ("BL") was the 29th of August. I had hoped to be at 220 for that day, however, the scale said 222... which I had been expecting. The weekend prior to the base line weigh-in was NOT a good one food-wise. So there it was. It just means that I have two extra pounds to add to my competition end game! :D

The following Wednesday - September 5th - was the first official weigh-in of the game. Unfortunately I sustained a total weight of 222. boo. Then I realized that A: I was weighing in 1.5 hours later than I usually do (9:30 am instead of 8 am) and B: That I had totally FORGOTTEN it was weigh-in day and I had eaten breakfast in the morning (which I don't usually do). So I took that 222 with a grain of salt.

I haven't hit the gym as hard as I had wanted to... yet. But I had my assessment at the gym yesterday, and the trainer and I really talked about my "secret weapon" : LIFTING. We worked out a routine that I am tweaking and will start to put into place this week, but be full boar by next Monday.

There is a digital scale in the hall outside the clinic at work. Typically it has been pretty true to the "official" scale inside the clinic. I stepped on it yesterday morning around 8:30 am (when I will be weighing in for the remainder of the competition) and it said I was down 4 pounds! That didn't have the burn from the assessment workout, nor tonight's cardio, nor tomorrow morning's lifting AND cardio... I'm hoping to be down a whopping 5 pounds total tomorrow morning at 8:30 am.

                                        ... stay tuned! ...

B and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (food) Day!

     Yeah... today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for food consumption. I have eaten far more homemade chocolate chip and toffee cookies than I care to share, or should have even thought about LOOKING at, let alone CONSUMING. sigh. Cookies, and sponge cake, and multiple cups of coffee with creamer... yikes. I'm not even going to put totals in my food logger because I know it would just scream, "HORRIBLE!" (Okay, not really. It would just show my overage in a bright red box, but you know...)

     I'm feeling really down about all this right now. I feel incredibly silly/stupid for having allowed myself to "go crazy" like this. And the day before the initial weigh-ins for the Biggest Loser competition at my work! SERIOUSLY SELF?! *facepalm*

     To try and put a positive spin on it, I have told myself that having a (slightly) higher starting weight for the competition could lead to a (slightly) more impressive finish... if, as a friend of mine said to me today, I can "get my ass in gear!". That last part is proving difficult psychologically today. I keep thinking to myself that I've already blown the competition with today and I shouldn't even try.

    Yeah - I've told that part to SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I know I haven't blown the competition. I know that I can just "start over", right now, right this very millisecond even. But I also know that now I am going to have to work just that much harder to achieve my goal for this competition. But that's alright. I'm going to put on my proverbial blinders and just "compete" with myself. I can do this, I know I can. And I'm going to blow that nay-saying part of my crazy girl brain right out of the friggin water!

              Yeah, that's the ticket! PEW PEW PEW SILLY SELF!

And So it Begins... Again!

     That's right, folks! My work is graciously holding another Biggest Loser competition this year, and I am participating. This should (hopefully) be my last year as I plan to reach my long-term goal by mid-May 2013.

     Last Wednesday was a weigh-in day and I'd dropped another 2 pounds. That made 46 total since last September (at the first competition). I currently reside at 221. This Wednesday is the initial weigh-in/assessment for the competition. I'm hoping to be down at least 1 more pound. My goal for the competition - which is lofty but doable - is to lose 40 pounds. It goes from September 1 to December 29th. Weigh-ins every Wednesday, and they're offering a special group fitness class every Saturday. Due to my working weekends again, I won't be able to go to every one of those, but I have my own schedule done up. It's going to be intense, but I really want to win this year!

     I took the last couple weeks off of exercise. The first week was by accident (kept over sleeping) and then last week because it felt good to have a break. I think I may have been a bit burned out and didn't realize it until I was resting. But this week I am back at it. Had my last Monday morning Zumba class today (will be attending an evening class during the school year so I can take the kids to school with my husband). Tomorrow lifting, and Wednesday Spin in the AM. Then the initial weigh-in. Hopefully my break wasn't too detrimental.

     Super excited! Hopefully I can keep this energy up for the next 4 months!

Breaking the Habit

     Yes. As scary and somewhat heartbreaking as it is, the above is a visual description of my journey thus far. Let's go back a couple of weeks, shall we?



     The last post I made was on Wednesday the 27th of June. I had just hit the 30 pound loss mark and was thrilled. Since that time; I have had some good days, some not-so-good days, some GREAT days, and some really horrible days. I'm still fighting the good fight, though. I have come to a place where if I have a "bad food day" or "bad exercise day", I don't get too down on myself for it. I've realized that hey, it is going to happen. I am but human (though if you ask my kids, they may say I'm a superhero).

     So when my husband discovered the photo we had taken just a couple weeks into my company's Biggest Loser competition last fall (above left), I was really shocked at what I saw! I had just come home from Zumba class and was in the kitchen making an early lunch for everyone. From the living room I hear my husband say, "Bethanie, you need to step out here for a second." Naturally I was annoyed because I was in the middle of making two peanut butter and honey sandwiches and sides of fruit for the kids, and Reubens for us. When I didn't pop out right away, he repeated himself, so I stepped into the dining room and said, "What?!" He did a few back-and-forth looks between me and his monitor, and then told me I HAD to come there. So I did, and what I saw stopped me dead in my tracks and literally brought tears to my eyes.

     There, staring at me in 1080p glory, was a marshmallow shaped me. I stood there; still soaked in sweat from class (as you see in the above right photo), half the fixings for sandwiches in my hands, staring at his screen. After the initial shock wore off, the disgust rolled in. How could I have let myself GET like that? I wondered. The thought that followed was regarding the image I have of myself locked away in my grey matter. It finally really hit home, then, that I AM making great changes. That I AM making noticeable changes in my physical self, and along with that in my mentality. So I immediately had my husband snap a photo of me to record my progress.

     The image above will help me to remember that it is worth it. That I am doing things right, and doing enough. It will be a long journey, but the fact that I'm on it and creating successes is a wonderful feeling.

And the Shrinks Keep on Coming!

Yup, that's right! Last Wednesday was weigh-in day, and a momentus one at that... but I got so busy that I forgot to post! Last Wednesday I hit the 30 pounds lost mark! YAY! *the crowd goes wild* I am now at the weight I was back in August of 2007 when I first started going to health coaching sessions at the clinic in my office.

So today (being Wednesday) was another weigh-in day, but today was also a measuring day. I stepped on that scale and was completely shocked by what I saw: A great big, digital 234! That's three whole pounds down from last week! That brings the total loss since September of 2011 to 33 pounds. And six of the seven measurements were down as well, from .25 of an inch to a whole inch (my arms and quads).

YIPPEE!!!!

So when last I wrote it was just over a month ago (sorry! I didn't realize how much time had actually passed), and there have been some other changes than just my inches and mass. I feel as though I am in the midst of a paradigm shift where food is concerned. Don't get me wrong - I'm still completely obsessed with food. But I feel like my obsession is more on how I can create yummy yet healthy foods. It's more about eating to live (and give my body the right foods so I can use them the best) and less about living to eat.

I have found a new website for recipes and ideas: Foodgawker. It's like Pinterest, but with food! I find it amazing. There are so many ideas there and more are posted at least once a day. I also find a lot of international foods (sometimes the recipes are written in foreign languages. Thank goodness for Google Translate!) which I absolutely love to try. And I still find myself looking up a lot of the sweets, but when I look at them now I try to find healthy substitutions where I can, like applesauce for oil, etc.

Also, another triumph (though seemilngly small on the surface) is my personal NO MORE SODA campaign.  I have a strange relationship with the bubbly, often times sickly sweet beverage. I used to like drinking soda... a lot. I mean, I could but away a 24 pack of Coca~Cola in a day! But now I find that I'm not such a fan. And yet I will drink can after can if it is available, each can tasting worse and worse, but I still keep chugging away. So Sunday night I made a promise to myself and the Universe. I will not drink another soda (unless it's splashed in a Rum & Coke or some other delicious adult beverage). I don't like the taste anymore and it's SO not good for you. I think I just kept drinking because it was a mental habit/addiction. But so far, so good. I am 2 days soda sober. I CAN DO EET!

Weigh In and Uh Oh

Well, yesterday was another weigh in, and it was good! I have gotten below 240! I stepped on that scale and it said "239". HOORAY. Yesterday was also a measurement day, and I'm happy to say (sans my quads, which are three inches bigger, but they're leaner. THANK YOU SPIN CLASS!) that everything has gone down. Bicep, abs, waist, hips, calves, and yes - even the girls have shrunk a couple inches! (HALLELUJAH to that! For those who don't know, I've been extremely busty my whole life).

Anywhoo.

So it was a pretty good day all over yesterday. I made it to spin and it was a great class. I stayed WELL below my 1600-1800 calorie (finished the day at about 1450). It was nice. Today, however, was less nice. Today was my department's Summertime Potluck. Yeah, I'm sure a lot of you can already guess where this is headed.

That was the first plate I had. Then I had a second plate just like that one... with the addition of a pulled pork sandwich. And a chocolate chip cookie. le sigh. I had known that today was the potluck, so I had a light breakfast and planned a light dinner. I had hoped to stay below the 1600-1800 calories, but alas, I'm at just about 1800. I guess that's better than a 2400+ calorie day like I used to have. I'll get over it, but right now I feel like stewing. :)

Things are going well enough, just still not as fast as I would like. But I guess I just have to accept that and work with what I have! :)

Round and Round She Goes...

...where she'll stop, nobody knows!

So I haven't written in a while, and I apologize for that. I have no excuse as to why besides I just didn't think about it. So here's the haps:
I had another weigh-in day (this past Wednesday) and I was down one more pound. YAY! Of course, me being me, it's just not coming off fast enough. I have to keep reminding myself that with how I am eating (better than I used to, but not as good and disciplined as I could be) and how I am only exercising three days a week... one pound per week is pretty good! Now, you would think that seeing a steady - albeit slow - decline in pounds and inches would keep me up and motivated and maybe even inspiried to get a bit strickter with myself.

Kind of.

This past Thursday I had a bad day. There are a lot of things going on in my and my family's lives right now that are stressing me out a bit, and apparently Thursday it all came to a head (mentally, anyway). I was feeling very restricted in every aspect, very boxed in. So I said (almost out loud), "EFF IT!" and I ate however and whatever I wanted to. The day had started out fine enough... except the knowledge floating around in my head that I had consumed a cheeseburger and 10 chicken nuggets from BK the night before as a "midnight snack". First boo. So I had my regular apple and two pieces of light wheat toast with "butter", and a poor man's mocha (coffee, no sugar added cocoa packet, a couple tsp of cream). As lunch grew closer, that's when I started having a real mental war and the feelings of uber-restriction started seeping in. Lunch was two beef hotdogs in natural casing; complete with buns, ketchup, and diced onions. Then I had a bowl of tortilla chips, two cans of Dr. Pepper, and a whole wheat tortilla filled with two slices of pepperjack cheese, canned chicken, and black olive slices. Dinner was three bowls of macaroni noodles (regular, not whole wheat like usual) with butter and Parmesan. I think there may have been a piece or two of chocolate involved, and maybe some milk. I went to bed that night feeling just awful and mad at myself.

I woke up Friday and almost didn't make it to Spin. I woke up in time, sure, but the mental war was still waging. I was tired, I was still upset with my behavior the previous day, and I still had some "eff it" in me. But finally I kicked my own butt and went to Spin. Let me tell you - it was like peddling through molasses in January! I was so tired, so sluggish, my breathing was harder than it usually is... and I'm sure it was all a result of the stupidity of food intake from Thursday. There was even a point when class was about half over and I thought to myself, "Okay. It's 6:20 now, I'm going to leave just a little early. At 6:30. I just can't do it this morning." I got so far as to slow my cadence down to bring my heart rate down... and then I said to myself (outloud, hilariously, but the music was so loud and the instructor was telling us our next moves so I don't think anyone actually heard me), "JUST F***ING STAY, DANGIT!" And I did! I stuck out the whole hour and felt a bit better for it.

The day started out well enough again. Apple, toast, low-fat cottage cheese, and water comprised my breakfast. I planned ahead for another hotdog for lunch (cuz they were GOOOOD) and that was all I had. It was a half day for me at work because my 5-year old son "graduated" preschool that afternoon. My husband, my son, and my sick daughter (just a cold, but she didn't want to go to school so we didn't make her) picked me up and we took the Mister to class. Then we ran a couple errands - one of which being Buck-a-Burger Day at Whole Foods Market! We ended up getting 6 beef & cheddar burgers and munched on all the yummy samples that Whole Foods always has around the store. Nothing too concequential to the calorie budget. Then it started happening again. We went home and had one of those burgers. It was delicious. But that meant that my dinner should be small, to counter act, yeah? Yeah no. I had two bowls of Chocolatey Dino Bites cereal with skim milk and two glasses of orange juice. Then we had large bowls of brown rice and mixed veggies for a "midnight snack"... and I had another bowl of cereal. sigh.

So I guess I start over AGAIN today. I've had an alright breakfast... and today lends itself less to crazy eating as it is pretty busy. I've worked one job this morning already, and am currently at the other. After here I'll dash home, get myself and the girl child ready, and have Daddy and Brudder drop us off at her school to meet up with the rest of her Daisy troop. We're going to a day camp today! YAY! When we get back from that, The boys will pick us up and we're heading to my friend's tattoo shop: Outta Place Tattoos. Tomorrow should be mellow and hopefully low on the calorie scale!

I can do this, right?

Weigh In Day

I realized today that I have never spoken about my weigh in days, so here is what we shall call the first! As I've mentioned before, we have a clinic in my office building. This is where I do my weigh ins. There's also a scale at the gym, but I avoid that so I can keep consistency in my weigh ins.

So this morning I went, thinking that I was going to have a gain. Over the weekend I hadn't been that strict with my food and I definitely didn't workout. WARNING: Guy readers cover your eyes here. Today was also Day 1 of THOSE times, so... imagine my surprise when I stepped on that scale and it said I'd lost 1.5 pounds! YES!

I don't know if it was the work I put in Monday, Tuesday, and this morning, but rejoice! I've managed to stay between 1400 - 1600 calories the past three days; and I went to Zumba Monday morning, lifted Tuesday night, and went to spin this morning. I haven't had a soda in two days, which is huge for me. Usually I'll have one purely out of habit. I'll purchase it, I'll crack it open, and after that first delicious sip I decide I really didn't want it. Yet, I still drink the whole thing. That's why I think my "addiction" to soda is much more mental than physical.

Any road - I have filled myself with a lot of hope these last few days, and I really feel like I can accomplish this goal. Dig it.

Yay... I Think?

Tonight was a mash-up of pitiful and excellent.

Tonight was the first Tuesday night in a long time that I went to the gym to lift. I'm trying to do a regiment of MWF: cardio in the AM, TTh: lifting in the PM, Sa: more cardio or more lifting, or both. Su: REST! Tonight - surprisingly without any kind of internal argument - I went for my first night of lifting. It was a chest and bicep night. No joke, I was there for 15 minutes and had done 3 chest exercises, 1 tricep exercise, and 1 ab exercise.

And I didn't know what else to do beyond that.

Normally I don't care what other people are thinking of me... or what I'm thinking they're thinking of me. Tonight I kind of did. I felt like I was just walking around the gym, looking like a deer in headlights. I felt like all the buff people were watching me walk around and thinking, "What the hell is she doing here?" or "She doesn't even know what she's doing!", etc, etc ad nauseum.

I have a friend who owns her own gym/personal trainer business, is a certified nutritionist and cave woman. I ask her a LOT of questions... but lately I feel really bad about doing so. I mean, that's her livlihood, savvy? I'm starting to feel like I'm abusing our friendship with my quest for knowledge. So I'm trying to search stuff out on my own on the big 'ol interwebs. It's not going so well so far. I know it's best to do a push/pull split, but I don't know what exercises are for each muscle group. I don't know how many to do of each - more in the sense of number of exercises, not sets and reps. I don't know what to eat before lifting... there's just so much knowledge to glean, I feel my head might explode before I figure it all out!

BUT (now on to the excellent part): I WENT TO THE GYM AGAIN! That is huge! Like I mentioned earlier, there wasn't even any internal argument about going like there usually is. Could the habit be breaking? Could I be on my way to (eventual) Bufftown? Gods, I hope so.

I'm Back! ...

I'm back in the saddle again! (Thank you, Aerosmith!) Yup, I feel like I'm back. I woke up and went to work this morning (side note: I typically have Mondays off work and then do 10 hour days the rest of the week. In order to keep my regiment of MWF am cardio, I need to work 2-2.5 hours Monday mornings, and I haven't been doing that the last few weeks), then I went to Zumba. I LOVE ZUMBA!

Okay, let's back up a little bit. I realize that I haven't really given too much of a back story for my weight loss goals. I'm not sure about others, but I don't remember my weight being a part of my thought process until my first midwife appointment after discovering that I was pregnant with my daughter back around February of 2005. I was talking about this with my friend a few weeks ago, and it actually surprised me. No matter how hard I try, I truly cannot remember a time before that first midwife appointment where weight and/or exercise entered my mind. That first weigh in had me at 218 lbs. To date, that is the lightest I've been. I only gained 15 lbs with that pregnancy. All I wanted to eat was turkey tacos, fresh fruit and vegetables, and real fruit lime popsicles. I did the same thing when I was pregnant with my son. I don't remember my base weight, but I only gained 15 lbs. I wanted the same things, but add potato chips to that. I was a GSTL (front-end manager) at Target for both pregnancies, and I think that helped with my 15 lb. gain. I was walking about 3 miles per day, 6 days per week. Then, in November of 2006 I changed companies and got a desk job at the home offices for Regis Corporation. While it is a great company to work for, I believe it was the beginning of the end for me.

I had never had an office job prior to Regis. So going from 3 mile walks each shift to sitting on me arse for 8-10 hours per day... yeah, you can put 2 and 2 together. sigh.

ANYWAY - I started becoming really aware of my health in August of 2007. Around that time my office built a clinic inside it. They offer health coaching/personal training sessions. Last September, as some of my readers may remember, they held a Biggest Loser type competition where I really kicked myself into gear (lost 22 lbs!) and I have been going to the gym and tracking my food every day (mostly) since. Every day is still a battle in the war. Sometimes I win, other times I lose. But I always get back up the next day and at least start out well.

This week I plan to hit the gym 6 days out of 7 like I used to. Wish me luck! 

And Again... and Again... and Again...

So here we are again. 9:45 on Sunday night. Today was a bad day for food, again. I honestly don't know what I am doing anymore. It seems like, for whatever reason (that I haven't figured out yet), I keep screwing myself over. I weigh in on Wednesday mornings, usually. I'll go in, I'll step on that scale, and I'll be elated that I've lost a pound or two! Then, to reward and celebrate myself, what do I do? Oh, I go and eat three fun-sized Snickers. Or I have a can of soda, or four pieces of oatmeal toast with whipped butter and strawberry jam... I mean, really? Yes. Let's work REALLY hard for a few days, have some great results, and then totally smash it into the ground. What the hell is going on??? This is so frustrating. It's not like I don't WANT to lose weight. I've been jumping lifestyle labels lately, too. I was considering going back to my ovo-lacto vegetarianism. Then I proclaimed my jump to pescetarianism. Then I thought about being just a plain old carnivore. That last one really turned me off, though. I'm totally grossed out by most red meat and pork, lately. It's hard to figure out how to exist, sometimes. I mean; you read so much online, you read so much in books, you hear so many things rumor... I really want to try to live by listening to my body. But obviously, my body is a bit confused at times. I've fallen and I can't seem to get up. I'm trying to pick myself back up, but damn if it isn't a battle all in it's own. I struggle with wanting the weight to jump off at the speed of light, but it doesn't happen like that. It's a long, arduous war filled with many, many smaller battles. On a positive note to pick up this melancholy post: Last week I DID make it to all three of my morning classes at the gym, which hasn't happened since the Biggest Loser competition at my work the end of last year. I plan to repeat that performance for this last week of April, then pick it up a bit in May, adding three lifting days and a little more cardio. I'll just keep trying again... and again... and again...

Soda, and Chocolate, and Pasta... OH MY!

Greetings and Salutations!
So it has been one month and two days since my last post. I guess there hasn't really been much going on. I've been in a constant state of flux for March. I was down three pounds, then up two, then down those two... yeah, it's been great. *end sarcasm* I go between being completely discouraged and frustrated, to a well-adjusted at-least-I'm-still-working-at-it attitude.

It was awesome last week... at first. I was really in it. I had been chatting with my virtual gym buddy and friend Nicole over at A Hearty Dose, and what I was saying to her was ringing a huge bell in me. So last Sunday I made myself a promise that I would go to Zumba on Monday morning, and Spin on both Wednesday and Friday mornings. And I did, and it felt AWESOME - until Wednesday night. I was sitting at my desk, finishing up my workload so I could get home, and all of the sudden I felt like a semi had run me over. Joints started aching, I started having chills, and my throat swelled so bad that I could barely swallow or speak. I went home that night and pretty much existed in a sickness-induced stupor for the next four days. On top of that, my left leg - from knee to ankle - was having some serious pain. Then Monday, I started having the worst sinus pain/pressure that I've ever exeperienced. blah. Any road, the leg is probably my first case of shin splints, and the sickness is just a viral yuk. Mixed with my asthma and allergies, it's a fantastic soup of lathargy and fatigue. It's also extra tough for me because when I'm sick, all I want to do is eat everything in sight! I know a lot of people lose their appetites when ill, but I'm just the opposite. So there has been more soda, and chocolate, and pasta in my life lately. :(

As far as the shin splints go, I'm thinking I need better footwear. Well, maybe not "better", but more appropriate? I need a pair of spin shoes, and I need a pair of shoes more appropriate for the impact I experience with Zumba (which is HELLA fun, btw). Why do those two kinds of footwear have to be so expensive??? blech. It'll happen.

So I have a plan for now. I'm still sick, and my face still feels like the Fraggle Rock Doozer Mallet Festival is in my sinus cavities, but I'm going to do something until I'm back at 100% capacity. I've got 6 Daily Workout apps on my iPhone. Butt, Ab, Leg, Arm, Cardio, and Yoga. Each has an option for a 5 minute, 7.5 minute, or 10 minute workout. My plan is to do 3 different workouts for 5 minutes 3 days a week - as this "yuk" will stick with my asthmatic self for another week or two at least. Gotta keep moving, right? Burn those calories somehow. I'll do that, and try to increase my steps around the office until I'm well. And, depending on weather and allergen index, I plan to take the family on a couple walks around the local park this weekend.

This too, shall pass...

The Force is Weak with This One

Yes. That is correct. I am my own weakest link. You would think (possibly) that being armed with this knowledge (maybe) would make it easier for me to make the necessary changes, correct? That it would be easier for me to make the correct choices, to do the things I should do instead of the things I really want to do... right?

Apparenlty not so right.

Last night before I went around closing up the laundry rooms for the apartment complex, I thought to myself, "Okay. the start date of Monday didn't happen exactly as you'd wanted. But let's change that tomorrow. Let's just get it going!" So I made sure my gym bag was packed with my work outfit, towels, tiny shampoo, conditioner, and face scrub, etc. I set my workout clothes on top of it so I could easily throw them on without thinking as I stumbled around in my just-woke-up-haze at 4:45 AM. I did my rounds and promptly went to bed upon my return home (which is virtually unheard of for me. I get back from my rounds, as I call them, around 10:15/10:30 PM and then hang out for an hour to hours). I was really tired as I had only slept 2 hours the night before, so I think I was asleep long before my head even hit the pillow.

I did wake up at 4:45 AM... and then again at 5:58 AM! Yes, I had slept through my alarm. sigh So there was another morning workout not begun. Instead of doing what I should have done - like doing three or four of the 5 minute workouts I have on my cell phone, I took a long shower, and had three cookies for breakfast. double sigh Then, as if I needed icing on this terrible cake of a morning, I drove to work. DROVE. For 1 block, I drove. WHAT?! The weather wasn't even in a way that I would need to drive. ugh.

Okay, okay, I hear you. I'm picking myself up. I am dusting myself off. I will make sure that second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, supper, and dinner are all the well-rounded, good meals they should be. And even though my mind is screaming for a soda, I will resist.

IthinkIcan...IthinkIcan...IthinkIcan...IknowIcan...IknowIcan...

I KNOW I CAN!

Where Does it all Go?

The time, that is. Or the motivation, the drive, the get up and go... I've lost it and can't seem to figure out where the jerk has run off to.

Forgive me, readers, for I have lapsed. It has been almost three months since my last entry. Not too much exciting has happened in the interum. I've kind of been floating in this... limbo-like state. I haven't been working out like I used to, if at all. I haven't been eating like I used to. It's like I've come up to that damned wall. AGAIN! What am I afraid of? Why can't I just hop this wall like I've hopped the other, apparently smaller, walls? GAH! In the last month (January 24 to today) I have gained five pounds.

Okay. Not SO bad. I can deal with that. I can start anew.

Can't I? Sometimes my brain sure doesn't think so. Even so, I have devised a NEW long-term goal. A NEW short-term goal. And I have started to take the baby steps towards it. If I'm not back in full swing by my birthday (March 5th), then I might have to ask y'all to search me out and KICK. MY. ARSE!!!

Completion!

Hey howdy all you fine people out there in Cyberland!

Last Wednesday was the final weigh-in for the "Biggest Loser" competition that my work was having. I was pleased with my results, though I don't know if they were high enough to really be in the running for any of the prizes. I totaled up at 23 pounds lost in 12 weeks, a 9% loss of body fat. I'm very proud of this. I feel so much better, and people are noticing - which adds to my better feeling.

There is going to be a reveal lunch this Thursday where the winners of the 3rd, 2nd, and 1st place prizes are announced.

Now, would I be pleased as punch if I managed one of the placed prizes? Of course! However, I've already won the prize of better health and the determination to keep up until I reach my ultimate goal.

That's all I have for now. I'll drop a post after the reveal lunch happens.

HOORAY FOR HEALTH! ;)

Is There Ever a True Beginning or End?

Wow. It has been almost seven months since last I posted. geez. Time sure does manage to escape your perception, doesn't it? Well, interesting developments have occured in the time since last we spoke. Here, take my hand and walk with me...

April 30th I said I was "beginning again" (and with the Hubster) - for the umpteenth time. Yeah, I kind of didn't, and he hasn't yet either. It was the same dark and discouraging tunnel. But wait, what is that? YES! It is a light... a shimmering pinprick of light at the end of this very, Very, VERY long tunnel. In August 2011, the company I work for announced that they would be doing a "Biggest Loser" type competition. I signed up the INSTANT I saw the poster. Yes! THIS was what I had been waiting for. THIS was what I had been saying I needed since forever. I always told people, "If only I could afford gym dues, I could kick this health thing in the BUTT!" Well, my wishes were answered. The contest showed up. 3 months paid by the company at the gym with wiegh-ins, classes, support, etc. SWEET!

So today was the second to last weigh-in for this glorious competition. I can pretty much garauntee that I won't be one of the "winners" in the sense of the prizes of more months gym time paid or gift cards. I AM, however, a winner in the sense of health. Since the start on September 12th, I have lost 21 pounds!!!! :D Ten more and I will surpass the most weight I've ever lost since 2007. 85 more and I will be at my goal weight and able to start the maintaining process.

I'M DOING IT!

I will tell you one thing, though: Keeping the motivation is still difficult. What?! you say? Yes, even with great results I still have an internal struggle every night before going to the gym. Especially now that the cooler temperatures have rolled in. One would think that seeing the numbers drop on the scale each week would keep that proverbial fire under me arse. It doesn't, and I wish I could figure out why. I mean, every time I go to the gym, when I'm done I feel like a million bucks. I'm tired but energiezed, I'm drenched with the sweat of a workout well done, and I swear I can feel my muscles getting stronger with each step. And still...

...and still I have to convince myself to even go. I fear this will be a life long war that I wage smaller battles for.

So is there ever a true beginning or end to something like this? I don't think so. Human nature - at least in this regard when applied to me - is ciclical. I will constantly have to push, prod, yell at, scream at, battle with myself to do that which I know is right. That which I know if I just stop being a whiner and go do, I'll be much happier for.

this is the quest that never ends. it just goes on and on my friends. i think i started doing it not knowing that it was. but i'll continue doing it forever just because...

And So It Begins... Again

Hello, and welcome back to "How to Lose a Person!" On today's show we will be discussing the beginnings of the journey for the third... no, wait... fourth! Wait, no, that's not right either... aw hell, we're just going to be talking about the newest incarnation of The Journey.

Yup, that's right folks. Today is April 30th, 2011 and, starting with a new week and a new month, tomorrow it shall begin again. This time, I will have an accomplice. That's right, the Hubby is jumping on this Wild Ride with me.
Beginning tomorrow, our dinners (ours meaning mine and his, not the kids) will be some form of grilled chicken, quinoa (keen-wa) or brown rice, and a dark veg. That'll go for the next two weeks. We're hoping that'll be a bit of a kick-start, then we'll move into more well-rounded, portion-controlled meals for all.

I am very excited, too, for the Whole Foods Market that is going up literally 2 blocks down the street from our apartment. :D

I try not to whine, but you know what? It is really effin hard to lose a person! I have been riding this crazy roller coaster for almost four years now. I've had peaks, and I've had valleys. Right now I'm livin on a plane... that is, a plateau. It stinks here. :( I always ask myself, "Why is this so effin hard?!" I feel like it shouldn't be. It should just be second nature. It WAS second nature for a while...

I talked to my hubs about it the other day. He thinks I'm still suffering mental effects from my mother's passing. When she passed, my world stopped. Nothing was important, nothing mattered. It was a dark place. I slowly began to realize that it matters to my kids. It matters to my husband. It has begun to matter to me again. No offense to my super-fantastic-spectacular late mamma, but I'm not goin out like that! I'm going to be here for a long ass time, and in order to do that, I gotta get this temple healthy!

SO, friends, the journey has begun again. The lights on the path are a little brighter this time, the mountains are starting to look a little more like mole hills... it feels good. It feels right. It feels doable.

I also want to thank my peeps for inspiring me and supporting me. And, for listening to me whine and talk about it all. the. time. I less than three you.

And, to keep me honest and give me some accountability, I am going to tell you my current "itinerary":

By November 18, 2011 - 60 lbs gone
By May 1, 2012 - another 50 lbs gone

Those are the goals. After that, it will be about maintaining, which should be easy peasy lemon squeezy by the time I get there.

So tune in next week: Same bat time. Same bat channel.

PEAS!

Cough, Cough, Wheeeeeeeeeeeze!

Yeah... so I am having a bit of a... a... not a crisis, but whatever you want to call it, it is frustrating the hell out of me! As we know, I am attempting to lose about 100 pounds, hopefully by Halloween 2011. So far, the only thing I am able to do is adjust my eating, and that isn't going to get me very far for long. Why is it just the food, you ask? Well, I am going to tell you, even if you really didn't ask.

Asthma.

Damned, frustrating, irritating, haha-you-THOUGHT-you-would-work-out-but-I-have-other-ideas ASTHMA!
{back story time} When I was age 4, I believe, I was diagnosed with asthma. Woohoo, I didn't care then. Yes, I had to have a couple nebulizer treatments a day, but oh well. Then, it disappeared. It never flared up unless I was breathing straight dust {which I didn't do often, so...}

Then last year I was "lucky" enough to come down with the dreaded H1N1. It is now almost exactly a year later, and I am STILL suffering complications from it, one of which being this ridiculous asthma flare-up.* Friday evening, I speed-walked {is that proper verbage?} home - which, mind you, is literally only about half a block - and I proceeded to have a minor asthma attack that lasted for about 30 minutes. It ended with me in a foggy bathroom, breathing in the humidity. This led me to the knowledge that I am unable to exercise.

What does this mean for my goal? The loss from eating better is only going to last so long, as I mentioned, so what happens then?

{in the best comic book narrator voice} Is this the end of the Fantabulous B? Will she EVER meet her goal? Or will she be forced by her imperfect lungs to hover in the limbo of overweightness?

Stay tuned for our next episode...

Success {However Small} is So Sweet!

WOOHOO! Yes, since my innagural post, I have manged to lose 2 pounds. :D Now, the BIGGEST question is: Can I maintain, but preferably keep losing, over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend? With my mother-in-law at the stove, that will prove to be a challenge indeed. However, I feel I am up to it!

I have been at work for almost four hours now, and that whole time there has been a Diet Dr. Pepper shining at me. I haven't even opened it. Aside from the wheezing and coughing from my exaserbated asthma, I feel GREAT! So far, my food intake has been pretty good, too:
1 Gala apple
2 pcs Whole Wheat Toast w/ Spray Butter
12 grape tomatoes with a tiny bit of salt & pepper
1 serv. Cheez-It crackers
1/2 serv. Rold Gold Classic Style Tiny Twists
about 2 8oz. glasses water

Me thinks the leaves, they are a turning!